Damn vulcans.

I was pointed to a video clip recently that was so utterly disturbing, I knew immediately that it belonged on this site. But it's too awful to just toss up with the rest of the silly media links to the right where it may be seen or may not be by most of you, plus there are just too many notable points in it not to make mention of them. Yes, the clip I'm referring to is "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" by the one and only Leonard Nimoy. Leonard Nimoy. Spock. The fact that Spock was making music videos about fucking hobbits is disturbing enough, but the video is kookier than Dr. Giggles without any Ritalin. And yes, I refer to Leonard Nimoy more commonly as Spock because well, shit - he was Spock. When you think of Leonard Nimoy, you don't think of his prolific music career; you think of pointy ears, half-shaved eyebrows and everything being "highly illogical." Am I right or am I right? Okay, moving on...

This is The Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins, which basically tells the entire story of The Hobbit in the span of about a minute. Well shit, thanks for ruining the book Mister Spock! For those of you who haven't read the story, don't watch this clip! It will spoil the whole damn thing! Hell, I've read the book approximately 30 times, but now that I've seen this, I'm never going to be able to look at that cover again without singing the ballad and picturing Spock in the role of every character. Good going you vulcan asshole!

Speaking of vulcans, I never noticed during all the re-runs of Star Trek, but Spock looks like he is majorly constipated all the time. Seriously. Perhaps he's just uptight because well, vulcans are like that, or maybe he just needs some more fiber in his diet. A roll of duct tape wrapped completely around his entire head wouldn't be a bad idea either. And they should have told him that no one looks good filmed upside-down, and they especially don't when they should never smile or they look like they're going to eat your face. But apparently he's got something going for him as he's got himself surrounded by women in the video. Granted, they're women wearing horrid sweatshirts and checkered pants and look like they could be hobbits themselves, but damn - he's got a freakin herem! And ooh these chicks can dance too. Their moves look like some kind of cross between a chicken and a rabbit imitation, but hell, they're struttin their stuff hardcore in a most un-hobbit-like manner. My favorite move though, and probably my favorite part of the whole video, is the girl doing the shoulder thing. I'm not sure if that's supposed to look cool, but she just stands there smiling and raising her shoulders up and down. Up and down. Up and down. What the hell is that about? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that her dance moves wouldn't have even been worthy of a spot in Girl in the Golden Boots. But I can't stop watching it over and over none the less. The rest of the group has some noteworthy moves as well and they keep going back to the chicken-rabbit thing throughout. Fuckin' Spock.

Wait a second, are those chicks wearing fake pointy ears? Nevermind the fact that this girl looks like she wants to scratch my eyes out with gusto and glee, they're wearing fake fucking pointy ears!! Why? Whyyyy?!?! Is that supposed to make them look like hobbits or vulcans? Ahhh I'm so confused! Merging Star Trek and The Hobbit cannot be a good thing here! Make it stop! Mommy?

At least Spock is trying to maintain an air of dignity through all of this. Throughout much of the chaos of dancing chicken-rabbit-hobbit-vulcans, he remains perched upon a rock seething with cool. Check it out, he's a pimp up there and he knows it. Who loves you baby! Come to papa. Unfortunately, his brief moment of coolness is interrupted by the girls flinging random items around and spazzing out behind the rock. In the midst of tumbleweed and odd bits of clothing flying through the air to his rear, he joins in the prop fun and busts out some unidentifiable circular object and twirls it around as he makes mention of The Ring in his song. What is that thing? You'd think he could at least spring for a prop that actually looks like a big golden ring, but no - he has to leave me here wondering eternally what the hell that thing is! My money is on some inner working of a turkish toilet. Goddamn I hate vulcans.

And I almost forgot the big paper buttons with catchy phrases that they're all wearing... I can't quite figure out what the deal is with them, or more importantly, why the hell they say what they do, but these women are sporting things like "Frodo Lives," "Hobbits unite!" and "What's a hobbit?" Damn it, you tell me girls - you're the ones singing about them! At the end of the clip, Spock proudly puts on a paper button of his own but then looks very confused once he reads the phrase on it. Because after all, "What's a Leonard Nimoy?"

Highly illogical.

And here's the video in all its laughable horrid splendor...

Just what I needed!

Oh thank god! For a minute I thought I was going to have to buy a NEW skull that's never been tested for brain-holding capabilities!

Do guys with mullets know they have mullets?

Apparently not. My mother and I were wondering if men who walk around with mullets know they're called "mullets" so we stopped at a hair salon this afternoon. I asked the two hairdressers near the door what men who want mullets ask for when they come in for a haircut. Do they say "I'd like a shiny new mullet please" or do they ask for "short in the front and long in the back?" After a good hard laugh out of the stylists and the ladies in their chairs, they informed me that they don't ask for a mullet, but rather describe the look they're going for.

So there you have it. The answer to the one question that I know plagues you day in and day out. You may sleep peacefully at night now, knowing that mullet-wearers do not know they have mullets.

Arrr matey! Where's me booty?

So a friend and I went out to dinner this evening and decided to have a little fun with the credit card signature.........

This is so sad

Last night I cleaned out my refrigerator. It was so full that when I bought something new, I had a hard time finding room for it in there. After cleaning out the 4 cartons of sour milk, the leftover curry chicken that had sprouted legs and threw a party, the piece of birthday cake from my 25th that still looked okay, but well... my birthday was in May, and all the other items which are too greusome to mention here, this is what I was left with:



Sad, isn't it?

Ack! What is that on your head? KILL IT!

I know, I haven't been updating lately.... I've been hard at work on a new site that will be launching soon. But this was just too noteworthy to pass up:

It's currently 3:40am and I had to run to the grocery store, and while in the checkout line, I couldn't help but notice there was a wild animal nesting on the head of the lady before me. Yes, that's right... A fucking raccoon had burrowed its head in this woman's brain and it's scraggly hairy butt was sticking out of the back of her skull. Or was it a sloth? Wait a minute.... That's not an animal at all!

This woman had the biggest mat of hair I have ever seen anywhere. I'm not just talking about a couple little knots in her hair. Oh nooo. This beast encompassed her entire skull with a large enough mass of knotted hair that it could easily serve as a portable pillow for her to sleep on. She had the few strands she'd managed to pick out of the bush on her head pulled up into a rubber band which amounted to a ponytail smaller than that of a three year old child's. I could tell from these few straggly strands that her hair was actually somewhat long, but as the vast majority of it was balled up into a likeness of teddy bear stuffing, it almost appeared that all of her hair was pulled up into that tiny ponytail. I could only imagine how long it'd been since she'd attempted to pull a comb through her hair. Then, to my stomach's demise, I imagined what her scalp beneath must look like. What bugs were crawling around in that mock afro?

I could only pity the elderly chinese man with her as I realized this man probably has the unpleasant job of sleeping next to this wretched creature on her head, and god only knows what else he has to do to her. *shudder*

Mi dia sucka

Sheesh......... So yesterday I was out walking my dogs and one of them was curiously sniffing something in the street - turned out to be a rat. But not a wild rat, I could tell immediately that this was someone's escaped pet rat. And it didn't look like it was feeling too well, and I thought it was probably dehydrated. So I got a shoebox and caught it (it didn't even TRY to resist) and brought it in to give it some water and food. I recalled hearing a loud rodentish squeak the previous night and thought my cats had found a mouse and were killing it, but upon investigating found my cats sleeping and no sign of a rodent intruder. So I'd figured the sound came from outside (my window was open) but realized that it was most likely this found rat being injured somehow. My mother thinks it may have fallen from a neighbor's window and was injured, which would explain its lethargy as well as the sound I heard the night before. (don't let those little lungs fool you - they can squeak quite loud) I used to have pet rats, so I had the stuff to care for it, but not wanting a pet rodent again, I made up some signs to go post along my street in hopes that the owner would contact me.

After posting them up, upon returning to my apartment, I realized I had locked myself out and there is NO window or anything to jimmy open to break in. So I went to my neighbor's apartment and she was kind enough to let me use her phone. But I couldn't get a hold of my mom to get my uncle's phone number who has my spare key, nor could I get the apartment manager or maintainance guy. I called some locksmiths and they all wanted $150 and up to pick the lock. So I took a walk to my uncle's ex-girlfriend's apartment up the street, not knowing if she even lived there anymore, but hoping that she would have his phone number or could give me a ride to his apartment. No one home. Returned to my neighbor's apartment and tried my mom again, this time she was home and gave me my uncle's cel number and his home number. His home line was busy, and his cel was going directly to voice mail. Called the operator to do an emergency breakthrough on his home line, and their equipment was having trouble and they told me to try back in 30 minutes. So I wait 30 minutes and try again, but this time they tell me there's a problem with the phone line and they're putting in a repair call on it. I waited another hour or two and tried again... still busy. So finally I resolved to shell out the cash for a locksmith and hope I could find a way to get my apartment manager to reimburse me. About 30 minutes after putting the call in to the locksmith, I tried my uncle's cel number again. He answered! But immediately said that he'd have to call me back because his cel battery was about to die. I managed to get in that I was locked out of my apartment and needed the key before his phone went dead. Well, I then tried his home number a couple times and on the third try it finally rang and turns out he was online the whole time. Grrrr. Expecting this to all be over with, I was unhappy to hear that he'd let his roommate use his truck to go to work and he was without a vehicle! After begging and pleading for him to figure something out, he decided to hop on his mountain bike and go to her work to get his truck (what a sweetie my uncle is!) He got here after a long time, and I finally got into my apartment after being locked out for about 5 hours.... IN MY PAJAMAS by the way!

Immediately, I went into the bedroom to check on the rat that started this whole ordeal, and the fuckin thing was DEAD.

Damn me and my soft spot for helpless/injured animals!!