Arrr matey! Where's me booty?

So a friend and I went out to dinner this evening and decided to have a little fun with the credit card signature.........

This is so sad

Last night I cleaned out my refrigerator. It was so full that when I bought something new, I had a hard time finding room for it in there. After cleaning out the 4 cartons of sour milk, the leftover curry chicken that had sprouted legs and threw a party, the piece of birthday cake from my 25th that still looked okay, but well... my birthday was in May, and all the other items which are too greusome to mention here, this is what I was left with:



Sad, isn't it?

Ack! What is that on your head? KILL IT!

I know, I haven't been updating lately.... I've been hard at work on a new site that will be launching soon. But this was just too noteworthy to pass up:

It's currently 3:40am and I had to run to the grocery store, and while in the checkout line, I couldn't help but notice there was a wild animal nesting on the head of the lady before me. Yes, that's right... A fucking raccoon had burrowed its head in this woman's brain and it's scraggly hairy butt was sticking out of the back of her skull. Or was it a sloth? Wait a minute.... That's not an animal at all!

This woman had the biggest mat of hair I have ever seen anywhere. I'm not just talking about a couple little knots in her hair. Oh nooo. This beast encompassed her entire skull with a large enough mass of knotted hair that it could easily serve as a portable pillow for her to sleep on. She had the few strands she'd managed to pick out of the bush on her head pulled up into a rubber band which amounted to a ponytail smaller than that of a three year old child's. I could tell from these few straggly strands that her hair was actually somewhat long, but as the vast majority of it was balled up into a likeness of teddy bear stuffing, it almost appeared that all of her hair was pulled up into that tiny ponytail. I could only imagine how long it'd been since she'd attempted to pull a comb through her hair. Then, to my stomach's demise, I imagined what her scalp beneath must look like. What bugs were crawling around in that mock afro?

I could only pity the elderly chinese man with her as I realized this man probably has the unpleasant job of sleeping next to this wretched creature on her head, and god only knows what else he has to do to her. *shudder*

Mi dia sucka

Sheesh......... So yesterday I was out walking my dogs and one of them was curiously sniffing something in the street - turned out to be a rat. But not a wild rat, I could tell immediately that this was someone's escaped pet rat. And it didn't look like it was feeling too well, and I thought it was probably dehydrated. So I got a shoebox and caught it (it didn't even TRY to resist) and brought it in to give it some water and food. I recalled hearing a loud rodentish squeak the previous night and thought my cats had found a mouse and were killing it, but upon investigating found my cats sleeping and no sign of a rodent intruder. So I'd figured the sound came from outside (my window was open) but realized that it was most likely this found rat being injured somehow. My mother thinks it may have fallen from a neighbor's window and was injured, which would explain its lethargy as well as the sound I heard the night before. (don't let those little lungs fool you - they can squeak quite loud) I used to have pet rats, so I had the stuff to care for it, but not wanting a pet rodent again, I made up some signs to go post along my street in hopes that the owner would contact me.

After posting them up, upon returning to my apartment, I realized I had locked myself out and there is NO window or anything to jimmy open to break in. So I went to my neighbor's apartment and she was kind enough to let me use her phone. But I couldn't get a hold of my mom to get my uncle's phone number who has my spare key, nor could I get the apartment manager or maintainance guy. I called some locksmiths and they all wanted $150 and up to pick the lock. So I took a walk to my uncle's ex-girlfriend's apartment up the street, not knowing if she even lived there anymore, but hoping that she would have his phone number or could give me a ride to his apartment. No one home. Returned to my neighbor's apartment and tried my mom again, this time she was home and gave me my uncle's cel number and his home number. His home line was busy, and his cel was going directly to voice mail. Called the operator to do an emergency breakthrough on his home line, and their equipment was having trouble and they told me to try back in 30 minutes. So I wait 30 minutes and try again, but this time they tell me there's a problem with the phone line and they're putting in a repair call on it. I waited another hour or two and tried again... still busy. So finally I resolved to shell out the cash for a locksmith and hope I could find a way to get my apartment manager to reimburse me. About 30 minutes after putting the call in to the locksmith, I tried my uncle's cel number again. He answered! But immediately said that he'd have to call me back because his cel battery was about to die. I managed to get in that I was locked out of my apartment and needed the key before his phone went dead. Well, I then tried his home number a couple times and on the third try it finally rang and turns out he was online the whole time. Grrrr. Expecting this to all be over with, I was unhappy to hear that he'd let his roommate use his truck to go to work and he was without a vehicle! After begging and pleading for him to figure something out, he decided to hop on his mountain bike and go to her work to get his truck (what a sweetie my uncle is!) He got here after a long time, and I finally got into my apartment after being locked out for about 5 hours.... IN MY PAJAMAS by the way!

Immediately, I went into the bedroom to check on the rat that started this whole ordeal, and the fuckin thing was DEAD.

Damn me and my soft spot for helpless/injured animals!!

Meow

You KNOW I had to buy this when I saw it:



Other flavors offered were "Vanilla Vulva", "Muffberry" and so on....

Off to Grandmother's house we go

Over the weekend I spent some time at my grandmother's house visiting with her and my father and his girlfriend. Much of the time spent there was helping her clean out the garage and organize my late grandfather's tools. And from this, I learned that I've got the absolute coolest grandmother on earth.

I opened up a large cabinet, about 3 feet wide, a couple feet deep and about 7 feet tall, filled wall to wall with various liquors. Now don't get me wrong, my grandmother is not a lush by any means, and most of what was in there is probably no good anyway (most bottles were horribly covered in dust) and I rarely see her drink any alcohol save for a glass of wine with dinner, but I noticed a neat pirate ship shaped decanter marked "Homemade Kahlua" and gave my grandmother a sideways glance. "Oh, I know a few recipies," she said grinning, and then I noticed the bottle that had been behind the kahlua.... A plain clear bottle marked in my grandmother's handwriting "Moonshine / White Lightning" and sure enough, upon opening it up to smell it, it was the real stuff. I wonder if I could persuade her to make me a bottle of it, heehee.

Oh, and I got to snag a few interesting antiques, including this old Dodgers bobble-head from who knows what era. After my father and I shamed my grandfather privately for having a Dodgers bobble-head and not a SF Giants version, we decided I'd give it the best home being the biggest baseball fan in the family.

Cat in the box

My kitty has decided to make his new bed out of a suitcase from a recent trip. I just love how his fat molds to the shape of it though.

Inspiration, or just plain weird?

Somewhere around 8 months ago or longer, I bought some Amaryllis bulbs from Home Depot. I never got around to planting them and had instead tossed them into my storage shed and forgot about them. Recently I went in there to get something out of it, and noticed that one of the bulbs had sprouted and even bloomed. Yes, in pitch blackness with no soil or water. It was just sitting there on top of a pet carrier. Now that's determination damnit! But the cool part was that though the flower itself was the nice brilliant red that it's supposed to be, the stem was as white as the driven snow! The picture below is about two days after I discovered this and planted the bulbs, and already a slight greenish hue had begun to creep into the stem. I guess it just goes to show that if you really want to do something, nothing can stop you, heh.

Fast food causes stupidity!

And you don't even have to eat the stuff... Just working near it is enough to lower your IQ to that of a cerebrally challenged ostrich!

In my quest for the delicious banana-chocolate milkshake I once had a fast food restaurant nearby, I decided to try Jack In The Box, since I couldn't recall which fat franchise I'd found them at. So I drive up to the speaker and upon looking at the menu, I see they have a strawberry-banana shake. Hmmm, that's pretty close and I know these places tend to rotate their specialty shake flavor now and then, so this may have been it. Word for word, this is how my simple milkshake question went:

guy: "Hello, can I take your order?"
me: "Well I have a question. Did you have chocolate-banana milkshakes?"
guy: "Yes, would you like small, medium or large?"
me: "You still have them? But it's not on the menu anymore."
guy: "Oh, chocolate-banana, no we don't have that, we only have strawberry-banana."
me: "Okay, well, did you used to have chocolate-banana though?"
guy: "We only have strawberry-banana and regular chocolate."
me: "Yeah, I understand that, but did you have the chocolate-banana at one time?"
guy: "Uhhhh...... [long pause] we don't have chocolate-banana."
me: "Okay, you obviously don't understand me through the speaker... Gimme an Oreo shake and I'll ask my question at the window."
guy: "Thank you, anything else?"
me: (mumbling) "The phone number of the monkey you sold your brain to."
[I drive through to the window and watch the guy fill up my shake making sure he doesn't spit in it or something]
me: "Okay, I understand you don't have the chocolate-banana NOW. I only want to know if you USED TO have it, like a long time ago, like a year ago. I got one near here once and I can't remember if it was Jack In The Box or Carl's Junior that had them. I only want to know if this is the place that DID have them at one time. Do you understand my question now?"
guy: [smiles and laughs nervously] "Oh, I see now, heh." [walks away and doesn't return]

WHAT THE SHIT!?!?! Was I speaking Medievil Latin? This guy was completely 100% utterly confused by my question about milkshakes. I just pray I don't run into a lobotomized sloth at the drive-thru when I try asking my question over at Carl's Junior.

*sigh* Why are stupid people still allowed to breed?