Just what I needed!

Oh thank god! For a minute I thought I was going to have to buy a NEW skull that's never been tested for brain-holding capabilities!

Do guys with mullets know they have mullets?

Apparently not. My mother and I were wondering if men who walk around with mullets know they're called "mullets" so we stopped at a hair salon this afternoon. I asked the two hairdressers near the door what men who want mullets ask for when they come in for a haircut. Do they say "I'd like a shiny new mullet please" or do they ask for "short in the front and long in the back?" After a good hard laugh out of the stylists and the ladies in their chairs, they informed me that they don't ask for a mullet, but rather describe the look they're going for.

So there you have it. The answer to the one question that I know plagues you day in and day out. You may sleep peacefully at night now, knowing that mullet-wearers do not know they have mullets.

Arrr matey! Where's me booty?

So a friend and I went out to dinner this evening and decided to have a little fun with the credit card signature.........

This is so sad

Last night I cleaned out my refrigerator. It was so full that when I bought something new, I had a hard time finding room for it in there. After cleaning out the 4 cartons of sour milk, the leftover curry chicken that had sprouted legs and threw a party, the piece of birthday cake from my 25th that still looked okay, but well... my birthday was in May, and all the other items which are too greusome to mention here, this is what I was left with:



Sad, isn't it?

Ack! What is that on your head? KILL IT!

I know, I haven't been updating lately.... I've been hard at work on a new site that will be launching soon. But this was just too noteworthy to pass up:

It's currently 3:40am and I had to run to the grocery store, and while in the checkout line, I couldn't help but notice there was a wild animal nesting on the head of the lady before me. Yes, that's right... A fucking raccoon had burrowed its head in this woman's brain and it's scraggly hairy butt was sticking out of the back of her skull. Or was it a sloth? Wait a minute.... That's not an animal at all!

This woman had the biggest mat of hair I have ever seen anywhere. I'm not just talking about a couple little knots in her hair. Oh nooo. This beast encompassed her entire skull with a large enough mass of knotted hair that it could easily serve as a portable pillow for her to sleep on. She had the few strands she'd managed to pick out of the bush on her head pulled up into a rubber band which amounted to a ponytail smaller than that of a three year old child's. I could tell from these few straggly strands that her hair was actually somewhat long, but as the vast majority of it was balled up into a likeness of teddy bear stuffing, it almost appeared that all of her hair was pulled up into that tiny ponytail. I could only imagine how long it'd been since she'd attempted to pull a comb through her hair. Then, to my stomach's demise, I imagined what her scalp beneath must look like. What bugs were crawling around in that mock afro?

I could only pity the elderly chinese man with her as I realized this man probably has the unpleasant job of sleeping next to this wretched creature on her head, and god only knows what else he has to do to her. *shudder*

Mi dia sucka

Sheesh......... So yesterday I was out walking my dogs and one of them was curiously sniffing something in the street - turned out to be a rat. But not a wild rat, I could tell immediately that this was someone's escaped pet rat. And it didn't look like it was feeling too well, and I thought it was probably dehydrated. So I got a shoebox and caught it (it didn't even TRY to resist) and brought it in to give it some water and food. I recalled hearing a loud rodentish squeak the previous night and thought my cats had found a mouse and were killing it, but upon investigating found my cats sleeping and no sign of a rodent intruder. So I'd figured the sound came from outside (my window was open) but realized that it was most likely this found rat being injured somehow. My mother thinks it may have fallen from a neighbor's window and was injured, which would explain its lethargy as well as the sound I heard the night before. (don't let those little lungs fool you - they can squeak quite loud) I used to have pet rats, so I had the stuff to care for it, but not wanting a pet rodent again, I made up some signs to go post along my street in hopes that the owner would contact me.

After posting them up, upon returning to my apartment, I realized I had locked myself out and there is NO window or anything to jimmy open to break in. So I went to my neighbor's apartment and she was kind enough to let me use her phone. But I couldn't get a hold of my mom to get my uncle's phone number who has my spare key, nor could I get the apartment manager or maintainance guy. I called some locksmiths and they all wanted $150 and up to pick the lock. So I took a walk to my uncle's ex-girlfriend's apartment up the street, not knowing if she even lived there anymore, but hoping that she would have his phone number or could give me a ride to his apartment. No one home. Returned to my neighbor's apartment and tried my mom again, this time she was home and gave me my uncle's cel number and his home number. His home line was busy, and his cel was going directly to voice mail. Called the operator to do an emergency breakthrough on his home line, and their equipment was having trouble and they told me to try back in 30 minutes. So I wait 30 minutes and try again, but this time they tell me there's a problem with the phone line and they're putting in a repair call on it. I waited another hour or two and tried again... still busy. So finally I resolved to shell out the cash for a locksmith and hope I could find a way to get my apartment manager to reimburse me. About 30 minutes after putting the call in to the locksmith, I tried my uncle's cel number again. He answered! But immediately said that he'd have to call me back because his cel battery was about to die. I managed to get in that I was locked out of my apartment and needed the key before his phone went dead. Well, I then tried his home number a couple times and on the third try it finally rang and turns out he was online the whole time. Grrrr. Expecting this to all be over with, I was unhappy to hear that he'd let his roommate use his truck to go to work and he was without a vehicle! After begging and pleading for him to figure something out, he decided to hop on his mountain bike and go to her work to get his truck (what a sweetie my uncle is!) He got here after a long time, and I finally got into my apartment after being locked out for about 5 hours.... IN MY PAJAMAS by the way!

Immediately, I went into the bedroom to check on the rat that started this whole ordeal, and the fuckin thing was DEAD.

Damn me and my soft spot for helpless/injured animals!!

Meow

You KNOW I had to buy this when I saw it:



Other flavors offered were "Vanilla Vulva", "Muffberry" and so on....